Writing vs. performance

My current transition and what's leading me forward

Recently, I moved across town to live with my parents so I could deal with a financial situation. It’s not a bad thing, per se—I consider myself lucky that I have parents who are still alive, nearby, and able to support me.

But it is my personal worst nightmare.

In just one week I’ve had to guide myself through a few emotional breakdowns—of both rage and hopelessness.

What I’m learning is that suffering is based on the story.

When it hurts, here are the thought patterns in my head:

“I’m in this situation because I’ve been foolish and delusional.”

“I must be manifesting wrong, and I’ll never get it right.”

So much of what we see online, including what I choose to share, are the happy moments, but the truth is that the happy and difficult things are happening simultaneously.

The practice is to redirect your thoughts to the aspect of the situation that is good, while not minimizing or denying what hurts.

When something like this comes up that is especially raw, my only avenue is to not make a story at all. There doesn’t need to be any reason or silver lining or even healing moment to explain why I’m in a situation that I don’t want.

It just is. And it’s temporary. And it doesn’t mean anything about who I am, or in any way predict the future.

What I am excited about is public speaking.

My experience with public speaking goes back to my career(s) as a journalist and startup marketer, when I’d volunteer to moderate panels or present at all-company meetings. I love changing the volume and tone of my voice with the content, much like when I’d teach yoga and use my voice to shift people from a gentle warm-up into cardio and then back down to savasana.

I’ve been co-hosting a literary open mic with some friends, and it’s given me the chance to read my writing in front of an audience. At our most recent event, I read a personal story about my time working at a dysfunctional coffee shop in my early 20s. It’s a compilation of memories that make me laugh, woven together, but I didn’t know if the audience would get it.

They did.

It was amazing to hear what lines in particular people responded to, and because I knew I’d be performing it, the writing process was also different. I had to read it aloud to be sure I’d stay under the limit—7 minutes.

I rephrased a few things to make them easier to say without stumbling, and especially the funny lines, I played around with tone until it felt right.

It’s got me thinking about writing versus performing.

Writing is an innate talent that I’ve refined for 20+ years.

Performing is a new frontier.

Writing is verbal, intellectual, air.

Performing is embodied, resonant, earth.

When I write, whether it’s a book or a newsletter or journaling, I can find the right words to express an emotion, but I’m compartmentalizing. I’m not always feeling it.

To perform—at least, to perform well—you have to feel.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been avoiding. Yes, journaling is a good practice, but every practice will eventually plateau and become a crutch. I can intellectualize things, but it only gets me so far.

It’s my soul that is pulling me towards public speaking.

On May 12, I’ll be teaching a virtual workshop in partnership with CreativeMornings, called “Channeling Creativity.”

My goal is to begin offering this workshop in-person and eventually develop it into a keynote format. If you know of any groups or conferences that this would be a fit for, hit “reply” and let me know!

What I’m listening to: “The Universe is in Love with You” by Anna Cantwell

What I’m reading: Into the Magic Shop by James Doty

What I’m watching: Paradise on Hulu

- Dani

P.S. My futuristic matriarchy novel Sister Earth is now available at Book Soup (online and in-store)! Support independent art and indie bookstores at the same time, and grab a copy there!